014 - Insatiable Cravings

Cravings.  Desires.  Addictions.  Weakness.  The Alaskan Wolf.  Paul the Apostle.  And Me.  I'll admit to licking a popsicle of death.  If you admit as well, believe me, I get it.  No judgement.

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Transcript

Episode 14:  Insatiable Cravings

Wherever you may be.  Whatever you may be doing.  Thank you for listening.  I am Bruce, and this is Parallel Proof back at it again, and I have a problem.

A problem.  Like, I have a major issue I literally have no self-control over right now.  I absolutely can not stop myself from doing this, and it is driving me nuts.  It may, to you, seem like the most meaningless thing.  Once I tell you, you will probably laugh and say “This guy’s an idiot.  Get ahold of yourself, Bro!”  But to me, it has been a big deal over this past month, and really since the beginning of the year, and the beginning of my immediately doomed resolutions.  As small as you may think it is, to me, this has made me feel bad about myself, doing a number on my brain, punching my confidence in its mouth, and performing an unauthorized chokehold on my ability to motivate myself.  I will not blame Covid, which, knock on wood, I haven’t gotten yet.  I can’t place accountability on anyone else.  Its all me, and all my laziness, and all my fault, with making conscious decisions that fuels the whirlpool over the drain of disappointment.

This is episode 14:  Insatiable Cravings

Please don’t laugh after I tell you this.  Well, actually, if you do crack up and make fun of me, I’ll never know, so do as you will.  Haha.  This week, along with the many unexpected dealings that life has thrown at me, and additional stresses slapped on my plate, I have been deciding to forego, and let go, of my promise to myself to work out at least 3 times a week.  At the end of last year, I was doing so well.  My body felt good as I was getting up before work and in the gym at 7am, to rush back home 30 minutes later to shower, percolate my Folgers coffee, get dressed and fly out the door to be on my daily conference call with my team by 8am.  A bit rushed no doubt.  But I was feeling good.  I was getting cut and down to a weight I was proud of myself for reaching.  All of the above still takes place, minus the stationary bike, minus the dumbbells, weight machines, and the feeling of accomplishment.  Since this cycle isn’t new to me, since this happens quite often, the on again off again work out schedule, since I’m used to it, and that isn’t what’s bothering me at this moment.

I am 100%, undeniably, absolutely addicted, with no hope of stopping myself, to stuffing my face with chips before I go to bed.  Lays salt and vinegar chips, or crunchy jalapeño Cheetos, or Safeway barrel of pretzels, that’s not all, those combined with sea salt caramel chocolate macadamia nuts, or just plain ‘ol sea salt chocolate caramels from Costco.  I have a problem.  And I’m not kidding.  I tell myself every night before I lose myself in Netflix or Amazon Prime video, or at the moment the book “My Life” by Bill Clinton, I tell myself I am not going to eat anything.  I can do it.  I can keep my wits about me and grab ahold of any amount of strength within me and stop doing what I know is not good for me.  To stop what is terrible for me and quite frankly hurting my body.  See, prior to this year, I was physically lighter.  I had lost about 13 pounds.  I felt I looked better.  Working out, eating well, and not slamming my mouth with trash.  And I slipped.  I feel bad, and I have no control.  So here I am.

This very issue I am now wresting with reminds me of the wolf in Alaska.  This episode is a little different than the others.  It isn’t about a particular event that happened to take place in my life, yet, for years and years I have pondered this story about Alaskan wolves and never made a connection to my personal life until this week.  So, I have to tell it to you along with the meaning to me.  I have known about the story of how the Alaskan wolf hunters of old would kill the beasts, and deal with those wolves terrorizing their land and animals.  It’s grisly, yet it offers insight into the all-consuming, self-destructive nature many of us bargain with.  Paul Harvey best described this method along with the actions of the wolf:

First, the Eskimo coats his knife blade with animal blood and allows it to freeze.  Then he adds another layer of blood, until the blade is completely concealed by frozen blood.  Next, the Eskimo hunter fixes his knife in the ground with blade up.  When a wolf follows his sensitive nose to the source of the scent and discovers the bait, he licks it, tasting the fresh frozen blood.  He begins to lick faster, more and more, vigorously, lapping the blade until the keen edge is bare.  Feverishly now, harder and harder, the wolf licks the blade in the arctic night.  So great becomes his craving for blood that the wolf does not notice the razor-sharp sting of the naked blade on his own tongue, nor does he recognize the instant at which his insatiable thirst is satisfied by his own warm blood.  His carnivorous appetite just craves more—until the dawn finds him dead in the snow.

What a picture I have always had in my mind regarding this scene.  The wolf can’t stop.  Hurting himself and losing blood, nothing matters but the satisfying.

I am certainly not going to divulge to you my inner struggles and the war that rages on my spirit and mind on a daily basis.  I don’t know you all THAT well.  Just know this, there is battle going on with me, and it reaches a great deal farther than the grappling with chips and chocolate.  We all fight wars daily, internally, possibly hidden from those close to us.  Conflicts may rage for your thoughts, your desires, your direction, your fulfillment, or your peace.  I am asking myself these questions:  Is there some craving, some need, some fantasy, some lie that is slowly infecting my being?  Is there anything blocking my path to my created purpose?  What impulses am I inclined to give in to?  Ones with the potential to leave me dying in the wilderness of confusion.

Although I ask myself, and you, those questions, I feel much better after hearing another Paul as he outs himself to the Romans.  I mean, here is one of the greatest men of the bible, and before finding God, one of the worst men to know, but after meeting God, he turns out to be this pilar to learn from.  He literally, even as a now Christian, puts quill to paper and writes a confession that makes me feel so much better, even in my own weakness and disappointment.  Here is exactly what Paul the Apostle confesses in chapter 7:

“I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.  I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, what I hate I do.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  I know that nothing good lives in me, that is my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in the God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.  What a wretched man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death?”

Phew!  Yeah, Bro, I’m with you on that one.  I feel you.  I don’t feel good about myself.  I am losing these mini battles in this war for my soul.  I get it man.  Thank you for being there with me.  I feel like the crazed wolf sprinting into a tunnel with no light at the other end.  One foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel.  For you as a listener, do you ever NOT feel that great about yourself?  Ever feel overtaken by something or someone and its overwhelmingly gripping?  Paul apparently did.  I do at times.  Then why do I say I feel much better?  Here is a narrative I just read about the death of wolves from Paul.  Here also is a confession I read about Paul’s body of death.  The former makes me shiver, the latter makes me happy.  Why?

Because Paul, the author of Romans, asks, “Who will rescue me from this body of death?”  I’d normally say with my typical cynicism, “Embellish much, Sir?” but I can’t, I understand him.  I’m blurting out the same question.  There is a skirmish in my mind.  There are hostiles gunning for my body.  There is a campaign for the rights to my soul.  These confrontations are sapping my strength and I feel weak.

I don’t know how He did it.  I don’t know why He did it.  And sometimes I am too weak to even believe in God’s care, but Paul continues his “who will rescue me” with a strong conviction saying, “Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!  There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Him the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”

Ok, so, what makes me feel good is that one of the greatest totally just disclosed his failures, albeit not in detail, and basically said he’s dying inside.  I’ll do that now, not in detail, but I’ll admit to that.  Failures, disappointment, cravings, and zero dominance.  The power of sin consuming, and feeding off my own blood and tears, and growing weakness.  I have to believe and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that even what I have said in my previous episodes, that God sees us and cares.  He loves me and will be the strength I need, if and when I go to Him.  In Him and with Him and through Him, and only Him, will I be able to overcome the imminent death that awaits should I choose not to call out His name.  I will probably continue to feast off my own addictions and urges, this I know.  But I also believe in the power of the Almighty, that One who knows me best.  Odd, though, He created me as I am.  He knows my predispositions along with my tolerance threshold.  I really think God desires a people that calls out to Him for help so He can prove his grace and unconditional love.  So, here I am, calling out.  If you need to do it with me as well, no judgement here.  I get it.  We don’t have to feel bad.  I guess He sets us free from the certain final destination, that is if we defer to Him.  So, if you believe at all, if you have that little bit of strength left in you to reach out, we should probably do it before it’s too late.  The Alaskan wolf was a wake-up call as I remember the ending highlighted by insatiable cravings.  I have a few, deeper than chocolate, deep inside my soul, with grave consequences.  I feel the sting on my tongue. I recognize the bleeding from the voracity.  I have to step back, call out, and surrender.  Any of you feel the same?  Anyone you know in the midst of licking a popsicle of death?  All joking aside, what can you do?  What should you do?

Thank you for letting me open up to you this week.  I would love to hear from you and your experiences.  Maybe we can use them on this podcast and I will parallel them.  Email me at parallelproofpodcast@gmail.com.  Please share this with someone.  You might be like the wolf right now, insatiably in so deep you aren’t sure what’s going on.  Do me and yourself a favor, believe that through Him there is no disapproval and no sentencing to a punishment.  And with that, I will see you back here next week.